Jewish Humor
With apologies to Henny Youngman.

*There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door one night! I finally had to let
her out.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I
make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!


* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my
wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed
in the bathroom and cried.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and
looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him
another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. Mrs. Cohen answered,
"So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60. Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The
doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. The
drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the
fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

*Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a
sentence.

* A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you? "Not too good," said the mother. "I've
been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38
days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered,
"Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks,
"What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and
says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

*Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner

*Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll
sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

*Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady I
haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

*Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the
Rottweiler lets go.

category: cultural  date entered: 2007-07-23