Don't Be a Fighter Pilot Kid
To LtCol Van Wickler:
Sir,
I am DJ Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what
it takes to be an F16 fighter pilot of the USAF. What classes should I
take in high school to help the career I want to take later in my
life? What could I do to get in the academy?

Sincerely
DJ Baker
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'
From: VanWickler Kenneth, Lt Col, HQ AETC
Anybody want to help this poor kid from Cyberspace?
"Vee Dub"
~~~~~~~~~
A worldly and jaded C-130 Pilot, Maj Hunter Mills rose to the task!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear DJ,

Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young impressionable
brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media
portrayal of fighter pilots. Unfortunately, this portrayal could not
be further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter
pilots pompous, back-stabbing, momma's boys with inferiority
complexes, as well as being extremely over-rated aeronautically.
However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming a USAF pilot,
I offer the following alternative: What you REALLY want to aspire to is
the
exciting, challenging, and rewarding world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT.

And this, young DJ, means one thing....the venerable workhorse, THE C-130!

I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has led a 12-ship
formation down a valley at 300 ft above the ground, while trying to
interpret a 9-line to a new DZ, avoiding pop-up threats, and
coordinating with AWACS, all while eating a box lunch, with the engineer
in
the back taking a wizz and the navigator puking in his trash can! I tell
you,
DJ, TAC Airlift is where it's at!

Where else is it legal to throw tanks, HUMVs, and other crap out the
back of an airplane, and not even worry about it when the chute
doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's staff car! No where else
can you land on a 3000' dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo and stuff off
the ramp without even stopping, then take off again before range
control can call to tell you you've landed on the wrong LZ!

And talk about exotic travel - when C-130s go somewhere, they GO
somewhere (usually for 3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the
opportunity to immerse yourself in the local culture enough to give
any natives a bad taste in their mouths re the USAF and Americans in
general,
not something those strategic-lift pilots can do from their airport hotel
rooms!

As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:

Take a lot of math courses. You will need all the advanced math skills
you can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the
world, when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot
really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing and the nav believing
he owes the other 20.

Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge
of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can
drink beer before the tremendous case of the two step trots catches up to
you
from that meal you ate at that place that had the belly dancers in
some God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce!

Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC
Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the
exact location of the nearest strip club/gogo bar in any country in the
world,
then be able to convince the local authorities to release the
loadmaster after he offends every sensibility of the local religion
and culture.

A foreign language is helpful, but not required. You will never be
able to pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in France, and it's much
easier to ignore them and go where you want to anyway. As a rule of
thumb: Waiters and bellhops in France are always called "Pierre", in
Spain it's "Hey, Pedro" and in Italy, of course, it's "Mario." These
terms of address also serve in other countries interchangeably,
depending upon the level of swarth of the addressee.

A study of geography is also paramount. You will need to know the
basic location of all the places you've been when you get back from
your TDY and are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world
map you've got taped to your living room wall, right next to that
gigantic wooden giraffe statue and beer stein collection.

Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget
about that Academy thing. All TAC Airlifters know that there are waaay
too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced
education. A nice, big state college would be a much better choice.

Good luck and see you on the SKE!
Maj. Hunter Mills




category: aviation  date entered: 2006-03-10